Thanksgiving On The Brink

“Of course we’ll have Thanksgiving at our house this year, Aunt Ellen! I’ll write notes to everyone and tell them!” Mom hung up the phone with a crooked smile and began to sing softly to herself;

Oh where did I leave that bottle of Scotch
The bottle of Scotch, my sweet bottle of Scotch?
Oh where did I leave that bottle of Scotch?
It’s half past nine in the morning…

Great Aunt Ellen had just explained that for the first time in a generation she and Great Uncle Charlie could not host the family's annual Thanksgiving get-together. It seems that over the weekend Great Uncle Charlie tried to repair a drain in the kitchen sink, and the federal hazmat teams will not be finished with the house until mid-January.

This news did not make Mom all that happy. The last time she was in charge of hosting a family get-together was the Christmas best remembered for the Canine Culinary Calamity in which the humans dined on canned corned beef from the Speedway while Carl the Dog and Bernie The Schnauzer feasted on the spiral-sliced ham that was forgotten at the bottom of Grandma and Grandpa’s garbage bag of gifts. 

"Must prepare. Need help. Everyone coming here in a week. No time. Oh God. No time." 

"Mom," shouted Todd Junior from the upstairs bathroom, "Do we have more bath towels?"

"Why Dear?" 

"Because there are only nine in here, and it doesn't look like that's going to be enough to soak up all the toilet water on the floor." 

An hour later the Family was assembled in the living room for a Council of War. "OK, here's the story," said Mom, pacing Patton-like back and forth in front of her troops, "I'll need cooperation from all of you so we can get this place ready for company." 

"OK Mom," said Little Suzie, her thumbs flying over the keyboard of her cell phone as she types a text message her friend Heather; OMG, my mom is so lame. LOL! 

"Sure thing Honey," said Dad, his thumbs flying over the keyboard of his cell phone as he tried to find a way to turn it on. "I'll get right on that." 

"Hey, what's this stuff?" said Todd Junior, dumping the contents of the decorative oil lamp in the carpet. "Anybody got a match?" 

As the week wore on the Family pitched in. Mom vacuumed and dusted every corner of the house, washed the windows, dry cleaned the drapes, waxed the kitchen floor, shampooed the lamp oil out of the living room carpet, repainted the guest room, changed the shelf paper in the pantry, rewired the furnace, and replaced all the warped floor tiles in the upstairs bathroom. 

Little Suzie dusted and organized her Barbie's Beach House and helped Mom with the electrical work. 

Todd Junior added a mural to the freshly-painted guest room wall, a sort of abstract rendition of Original Sin and Exile from the Garden, executed in red Rustoleum left over from repainting the Swing Set and purple Magic Marker.

Dad purchased a fifteen-foot tall inflatable turkey and installed it in the front yard.

And then came Thanksgiving day. Aunt Karen and Uncle Fred brought Cousins Sheldon and Brittany, five pounds of oyster stuffing, and a pecan pie. Aunt Meg and Uncle Bob brought cousins Pammie and the Twins, five pounds of canned yams, and a pumpkin pie. Great Aunt Ellen and Uncle Charlie brought Carl the Dog five pounds of 3-bean salad, and a cherry cheesecake. Uncle Stan and Aunt Stacey brought Baby Sam, five pounds of mashed potatoes and a mincemeat pie. Grandma and Grandpa brought a box of extra sweaters for Grandpa, five pounds of Metamucil, and a package of Urinal Cakes.

Overall, the day went well, other than Grandpa cranking up the thermostat and blowing out the new furnace wiring. And Todd Junior, Sheldon and the twins hiding all the furniture from Barbie's Malibu Mansion in the bowl of yams. And the aftermath of Bernie the Schnauzer and Carl the Dog getting into that box of Urinal Cakes.

But the turkey was great, there was plenty of other food to make up for those yams, and more than enough love to go around.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Copyright © 2009, Michael Ball 

What I've Learned So Far... by Mike Ball is a syndicated weekly feature. If you enjoy this work, please contact your local newspaper's editors, give them a link to What I've Learned So Far... and ask them to carry it.