What I've Learned So Far... Today
Here are some things I learned from the daily news.
Iraq - It's Not A Civil War, It's Just A Little Gas
Washington DC, November 29, 2006
George W. Bush today once again emphatically asserted that Iraq had not slipped into civil war.
Natalie Clap, the Third Assistant Undersecretary of Bush's newly-created Department of Denial said in a prepared statement, "It just baffles us how anybody could call this a civil war. Ok, we understand that it's a little bit inconvenient to drive around Iraq, what with the car bombs, the burning Humvees, and the death squads. And ok, the bodies in the street do tie up traffic now and then, which according to Dr. Rice's fact-finding missions, really screws up business at the downtown Baghdad boutiques. But civil war? Hardly."
Voters Nationwide Experience "RoboCall Withdrawal"
November 5, 2006
Now that the elections are over, an eerie silence hangs like a pall over the American countryside. Phones have stopped ringing. People no longer arrive home to find hundreds of messages on their voice mail saying;
"Hi. I'm the best candidate. Did you know that if my opponent wins, he will personally invite Osama Bin Laden to live in your guest bedroom?"
F-14 "Tomcat" Fighter Jet To Retire This Week - Wants To Spend A Little "Me Time"
After more than thirty years of service as the United States Navy's premiere supersonic fighter, the venerable F-14 Tomcat is heading out to pasture. The plane, made famous in the Tom Cruise movie Top Gun, flew its last combat mission in February, and will be officially decommissioned this week.
According to a prepared statement delivered by Navy spokesman W. A. "Butch" Gladhander, the venerable F-14 was looking forward to enjoying a little fishing, and maybe some travel. "As you can probably imagine," said Gladhander, "it would be nice if the Tomcat just for once got to visit a country without bombing its radar installations."
Email Chain Message Mostly True - Recipients Are Stunned
In an unprecedented development that has Internet experts and users world-wide scratching their heads, a widely-circulated email chain message turned out to be almost entirely based on fact.
Scientists Identify New "Baked Bean" Gene On The Male Chromosome
Spokeswoman says, "This Explains A Lot."
August 18, 2006
A team of female scientists at the prestigious Petaluma Institute For The Study Of Disgusting Guy Stuff has mapped a new area on the male "Y" chromosome that regulates certain aspects of digestion in lab mice. The gene, dubbed the "Baked Bean Gene," elicits a gastro-intestinal phenomenon known to physiologists as the Frequent Advent of Rear-oriented Transgassification, or FART.
