NewsFlashes
Kansas Woman Doesn't Like Johnny Depp; Depp Is Devastated
July 21, 2006
With his new movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest breaking all box office records, cinema superstar Johnny Depp might arguably be considered the most popular actor in the world.
Not so, according to Mrs. Thelma Barnswallow, of Lawrence, Kansas, who apparently doesn't care at all for Depp. "For heaven's sake, the man wears black eye liner," she said, referring to makeup worn by Depp's character, Captain Jack Sparrow. "I mean, if the Good Lord had intended for men to wear black eye liner, he'd have put vanity mirrors in tractors!"
Did You Hear Something?
July 18, 2006
A new ring tone has been developed that is out of the hearing range of most adults, but which can be easily heard by kids. This would make a teenager's cell phone into a kind of dog whistle that would, without bothering the teacher, alert the child to time-critical information regarding that cute guy, Kevin, in third hour, who used to like Kim, but who told Heather's brother to tell Alicia's brother to tell Alicia that he (Kevin - remember Kevin?) might be interested in going out with her cousin, Caitlin.
Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Iraq; Thought He Was On Redeye To San Diego
June 13, 2006
President George W. Bush showed up in Iraq this morning, for what an administration spokesman called a "surprise visit." The president, waking from a long nap as Air Force One taxied to a terminal at Baghdad International Airport is said to have remarked, "I'm where?"
President George W. Bush showed up in Iraq this morning, for what an administration spokesman called a "surprise visit." The president, waking from a long nap as Air Force One taxied to a terminal at Baghdad International Airport is said to have remarked, "I'm where?"
What The Hell?
The Miami Heat are facing off with the Dallas Mavericks for the NBA championship.
The Detroit Tigers are battling the Chicago White Sox for the lead of the major leagues.
The Edmonton Oilers (ok, they used to be good, but still...) are trying to catch up with the Carolina Hurricanes in the Stanley Cup finals.
And Hell is hosting its first ever all-region snowball fight.
Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball
White House May Provide Assistance In Naming Zarqawi Successor
June 8, 2006
In the immediate aftermath of terrorist leader Abu Musab Al Zarqawi's death, there is a rumor that the Bush Administration will offer the now-beleaguered al-Qaeda In Iraq their "full support and assistance" in choosing a new leader.
An unnamed State Department official, granted anonymity because he is a satirical device, said that perhaps the time has come to spread Bush-style bureaucracy to our enemies.
